Blow It Out Your Twit

Supposedly everybody tweets now. For those who are like me and didn't know what Twitter was until recently...

Twitter is a web site for people who want to send a text message to the whole planet. In case somebody didn't see your status on Facebook, MySpace, Blogger, Instant Messenger, or Google Latitude, you can update people you will never meet face-to-face of the most inane musings of a boring daily life.

I guess every cable news channel is on the Twit Kingdom. I always wanted to know what Wolf Blitzer had for lunch. How about put the cell phone down, and report on real news, instead of repeating the same shit over and over again... peppered with reminders of the newscaster's Twitter address. I mean, one week I am watching news, the next week every person on cable news has a twitter address.

And if you want to know what a politician's geeky aid wants you to think the current thoughts are of a Senator, you can get Twitter updates from all the lawmakers. I prefer to look into the eyes of people who lie to me on a daily basis.

How about real Twitter updates from the politicians:

Just met with lobbyists for Exxon... lawsuits should be limited to how much punitive damages should be

Just left $5000/plate luncheon with the banking industry... the food, without even talking about the money, makes me want to bail them out

Corporations need tax loopholes so I can get re-elected

Family is most important when I am back in my hometown... Just fucked my $2000/hr hooker again on the taxpayer dime

How about some 'Tweets' from the past...

Adolph Hitler: Just chillin' in my bunker with my bitch... get back to you shortly

Abraham Lincoln: This play is boring... wife wants to leave, but I think things will get better

Charles Darwin: It's taking me forever to identify all these finches... why do they all look and act different?

George W Bush: I like me some french fried potaters... mmm humm

Karen Carpenter: Can't wait to get home and eat... reminds me I have to get to the pharmacy

Stevie Wonder: nd dlijdf kksk ldifjd.... ldifhg sldkjfi

Amelia Earhart: Where am I? Hope to come across a gas station so I can ask for directions.

Christopher Latham Scholes (pre-1870):

Jesus Christ: Judas is a dick! I'm telling my father! Just wait until he comes back! You'll all pay!


slyght said...

dude, did you come up with those yourself? they are awesome! i was actually LOLing.

J Ho said...

all me. any likeness to others is purely coincidental.

Anonymous said...

Pure genius Jus!!!